Dear Kinky Guru,
I tried asking my lover if I could tie her up and spank her and she responded, “Like Fifty Shades of Gray? Goodbye Christian.” How does one explain that I have the deepest respect for you but I want to get off by disrespecting you?
Signed,
Naughty-but-nice-is-my-sugar-and-spice
Dear Naughty-but-nice-is-my-sugar-and-spice,
Thank you for sharing your present sexual dilemma. Speaking with candid honesty arises from a place of love and light even as you walk the fine line of being turned on by something that turns your present lover off. Your taste of kink speaks to the duality of light and dark. To truly know one, we must experience the other however when pleasure comes from pain, now we’re entering the gray dimension of Sadism and Masochism.
The psychology of Masochism arises from an innate desire to contradict your identity. It’s been noted that Masochists are mostly creative and highly educated professionals in powerful, successful jobs that yearn to practice masochism so as to escape the role of ‘protector’ that they have built for themselves. For the person who has it all together, it’s quite freeing to shed your normal self and let your duality take control.
However it seems like your partner may be satisfied with vanilla sex. That doesn’t mean you can’t ease her into some light S & M and see what she enjoys from there. Yet communicating to her with earnest love and light that you completely respect her and her boundaries is the place to start. S&M is about releasing control and there has to be a huge amount of trust and respect for some to be willing to do that. Tell her that your interest in S&M is a way to explore new roles and visit different places with her.
Up to a third of all women have fantasies of being dominated sexually although few act them out
The best way to bring up S&M with your lover is to test your fantasy by incorporating it into dirty talk. Whispering, ‘What if I took your scarf and tied your hands together then spanked you with a ping pong paddle?’ At this point, gage her response. If she’s smiling, laughing or curious she’ll pong your ping. If she gets defensive or closes off entirely, she may not be open enough to sexually boom with you to the S&M dimension. In that case, escorts are sacred because they aren’t shy with turning on the light while the two of you indulge in darkness.
Perhaps your partner drew a negative experience from Fifty Shades of Gray. Most likely because it didn’t have a happy ending so why not watch 9 and ½ weeks or Secretary together? Have a S&M movie screening one evening! Be present while watching these movies with her. Ask what turns her off; it will be a great clue to an area you don’t want to rush into. Likewise, find out what turns her on; it may lead you to your next purchase!
There are several themes that turn S&M enthusiasts on while simultaneously turning others off. Loss of control, humiliation and pain are all things that the identity struggles with since conception. It’s no surprise that bringing these into a sexually intimate place confronts the ego and its boundaries. But there are ways to ease into each one of these avenues comfortably.
Google S&M clubs and parties: Enroll in a class with your lover on safe ways to explore kinks!
Let’s be optimistic and say that your lover is opening up to the dark side. Imagine if she couldn’t swim. You would walk her into the water, you wouldn’t drop kick her into the deep end! So let’s explore some light ways to explore the dark side.
It sounds like you’re interested in a submissive that’ll be tied up and spanked. If being tied up is too much too soon for your lover, start off with bringing a blindfold into the bedroom. Work up to things gently. On one night ask her to wear the blindfold and on the next night, you take a turn and wear it.
Go ahead and ask her to play music that inspires her to take control something like Marilyn Manson, Nine Inch Nails or The Cure may give her an anthem to explore the dark side of herself. She may enjoy the wardrobe options that Kink has to offer. Leather, garters and high heels could let her dress up and really embody the role you want her to explore with you.
Buy her the outfit that you see her wearing in your head and tell her to wear it to bed!
If you’re interested in spanking then start off with administering pleasurable pain. You need not punish spank to achieve pleasure from pain. A play bite, a little hair pulling, a nibble of the nipple, a one well timed spank, these are all ways to heighten the sexual tension. For her to dare to go deeper in the water with you, she has to feel comfortable feeling uncomfortable.
If and when she wants to venture deeper, browse the internet with her and discover S&M toys that perk both of your interest. Padded, Velcro handcuffs are a more comfortable alternative to metal handcuffs. If you’re thinking of exploring the pain and pleasure of hot wax, then drip LELO massage candle wax on her, it’ll double as massage oil. Did you know that there’s a wireless LELO vibrator that YOU can control from the other side of the room while she’s in the bathtub since its waterproof! The possibilities for S&M toys are bountiful, seek and ye shall find!
Once upon a time, this Kinky Guru had a lover that loved to bite her.
“Don’t bite me,” I insisted.
“I don’t bite to hurt you. I bite you because you taste good. One day, you’ll like it.” He told me.
“No, I don’t like it, I won’t ever like it.” I defended my naivety yet that day did come to bite back.
I was already with another lover when I asked him, “Baby, will you please bite me!’
“Why?” he asked surprised.
“Because,” I replied confidently, “I like it and I taste good!’
In sexy summation, speak to your lover about your desire to explore your duality with her. Assure her that it comes from a place of love and respect. Watch an S&M movie together, talk about your fantasy while talking dirty and gage her reaction. Walk her into the water of the light ways you can explore these perversions. Have her choose a safe word that’ll let you know when she’s reached her boundary. Eventually she may surprise the two of you when she discovers something that she likes. If not, the erotic companionship of an escort may be a more appropriate partner for your naughty side.
Yours truly, The Kinky Guru
She is certainly most famous for her informative, yet hilarious looks at sex from around the world. However, she is also well known for her erotic stories, as well as her blogs on sexual health, which she sees as vital in helping out men and women everywhere.
When she is not knocking other trending articles out of the park, Gabriella likes walking her pet dog, and eating at nice restaurants.
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S and M can get out of here.
There is no way I will be twated during sex.
If I wanted that, then I will go on a night out in Glasgow, it would be cheaper too.
A bit of biting is fun, just not between the legs, there they can only suck and lick, maybe a slap on the cock too.